MY FB CONTACT YESTERDAY ATTEMPTED A VERY DIFFICULT TASK OF ROOT CAUSES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEPERATION AND DIVORCE. She recommended separation and or divorce as a solution to domestic violence. She summized the discuss by asking anyone who wanted to argue with her position by arguing with the Bible, because she drew her inspiration therefrom and argued that God wasn’t in the business of choosing spouces for man anymore because the one He chose for Adam, Adam blamed Him when he sinned by eating the forbidden fruit.

Why would a man love a woman, select her amongst many choices as a spouse, marry her and then turn her into a punching bag? Recently, there’s a murder trial that’s ongoing, a wife is alleged to have decapitated the husband, surgically brining out all his intestines and cut out his genitals and put it in his hands. Well, at least a witness testified that that was what they saw when they bathed into the house.

I withdrew my boys from a school in the US. One of the reasons was that my son’s friend came to school and told my son that he watched his father shoot his mother several times and killed her. The boy’s grandmother called the cops and his father was led away in handcuffs. This boy was six same age as my son. My son came back home and told the mother. I tried to process the boy’s state of mind and how this would affect him psychologically. Might he end up also being violent domestically? Usually, children replicate what they’ve seen their parents do and the abuse or trauma doesn’t really go away.

How come there’s so much domestic violence today in relationships and marriages hardly make it past five years. Those who make it past five years are perhaps enduring rather than enjoying the marriage. I think the shortest marriage was in the US where a couple got married and within minutes they filed for divorce on ground of irreconcilable differences.

What can the matter be? How come the excitement of marriages almost doesn’t last beyond the honeymoon?

Historically, in the ’60s, ’70s and even ’80, marriages seemed very blissful. Couples celebrated silver, golden and diamond jubilees together. They grew old together. I’ve heard couples who were separated by death and the surviving spouse died a few days later. A friend of mine buried both parents same time having been married for 50 years. The father died on a Tuesday and the mother died the next Thursday.

In those days, it was very rear to find couples divorcing. Those who even separated, after while began missing each other and their troubles and got back together again.

What could be the root cause of this spate of divorces, domestic violence and separation? Could it be that the spike in domestic violence, separation and divorce be a millennial thing? At the turn of the century, we started having several issues to contend with, rivalries set in, strife set in, contentions set in, equality of sexes set in.

The motive for getting married became twisted and varied. So many people now want to get married out of societal pressure. Ladies visualize themselves walking down the aisle in a white satin wedding gown that flows from the pew to the gates. The excitement seems to be in the wedding rings and the planning for the wedding. In the morning of the following day, the excitement is over. They hadn’t quite planned what next?

Some just feel lonely and want to be with someone. Others see this as an escape from poverty. Others want children. The Bible said that it was not good for man to be alone. God said He will get man a “help meet”. This is key. The wife was/is to come and “help” the husband. Any wife that’s not “help-meeting” the husband, now there’s the root cause.

Marriage is the oldest institution on earth. Where did we all miss it? At some point, we started getting confused who was the “head” of the family or home. We started getting confused who was the “breadwinner” of the home.

I remember counseling a lady on this subject and she argued that she couldn’t be a “man” in the day time and a “woman” in the bedroom at night. I asked her to explain what exactly she meant. She said she was the one paying the children school fees, she was the one virtually picking up all the bills in the home, she was angry that she would do all these (manly stuff) in the day time and still give her husband sex at night. Her husband was out of job and was not bringing home  any spoils.

I didn’t know where to start to counsel her. I asked her how she got the lofty job. She said it was through her husband back in the days. I asked her if the husband was always “like this”? She said no. But that in the last five years, he didn’t seem to be doing very well and that she had “taken over”. I asked her what she meant, I noticed smile dribbling down her lips as she explained how she had become the breadwinner. It seemed to me there was some competition there. Homes now compete on who brings home the larger share and who was “boss” depended on these factors.

Sometimes, it becomes very difficult for role plays to be changed. The man doesn’t know how to be taking “orders” from his wife and the wife is now the “boss”.

While I accept this to be a very difficult subject, I’m not going to run into the Bible, though I’m tempted to, I’m going to try to compare the last successful relationships of the ‘60s, ‘70s, ‘80s to the failing new relationship of the 2000s and I believe the root causes would be in the middle right there.

…..to be continued.

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